Lately, I've been staying home and thinking about my life. I know I have to do something in my free time instead of going out and staying home not doing much.
Tomorrow and the day after will be the days where I'm going out to celebrate my birthday. Next Monday, I might go see my sister's graduation. This September, she's going to middle school next year.
Lately, I've been trying to find guidance in life... I feel a little lost. I always knew that I lack someone in life who can help me out, mainly parental guidance. My parents and I are really cold toward each others, we always argue. My parents act like kids and they always want to be right and they never admit they are wrong. Oh yeah, did I mention they never try to explain anything to us? As we get older, we aren't living in an obvious land anymore and they keep hiding things from us. I told my dad once that I am not a kid anymore and we aren't stupid if something is going wrong in the family or something, he still doesn't get it.
Part of the reason why I wanted to move out was the constant lack of communication between us, is it sacred or something? Even if I show them what I wrote, they will stay quiet for a little while and they will keep doing the same damn mistake again. I confront my dad a few times about him showing bad examples in the family, my parents just brush us off and wants us to admit our wrongs but not theirs. My brother once told my dad he was a bad father. It was harsh but it's the truth, I told my brother not to say anything like this again because it hurts.
My mom is not responsible herself, she is part of the reason why my dad's family is having problems and almost all my cousins despise her. Mind you, she can be evil. I can't blame her for not knowing between rights and wrongs, she does hold some understand of her own about the world... More accuratly than my dad. When someone anger my mother, she only sees the bad in that person and she acts irrationally. I used to be like her until someone pointed it out to me about it and I tried to control it. My mom is more like the type that she can do anything she wants as long there's someone who can back her up and she cares a lot about her reputation. When I went to China, she acts all superior and she talks like she's some wise person.
I guess I ressented my family a lot. My mom would put us through hell because she feels inferior to her coworkers, she would come home and starts screaming at us. My dad, I talked about him before. His favourite word on us is money. Just talking about my family, it just so troublesome.
If I didn't come to this website or go see adults to hear me talk about my family problems, who knows... I might stop school and do things like girls at my age are doing. These past few days, I've been showing signs of losing myself. I can't tell what I did but I feel the side effect, am I losing myself again?
In need of guidance in my life
June 19th, 2009 at 12:08 am
June 19th, 2009 at 01:08 pm 1245416939
You are doing just fine, I commend you on you strength to start looking for answers. Cut yourself some slack.
I am 39 and I am on a similar journey. I can only tell you what works for me.
I learned that I do have all the answers and there is nothing I can not figure out.
The same with you, there is infinite wisdom on you; it is simple, but not necessarily easy to tap into it.
It seems you have made a positive shift, from inaction to start taking responsibility for your life.
Parents are parents; I too have a couple of baby parents!. But you and I are adults now, so we need to detach from them in love and realize we can not change them, we can only change ourselves and our view on things. May I recommend a book? It is called codependent no more. It does talk about dependency on drugs because that was the author’s experience, but she graciously covers dependency and self-freedom in general and it was a great help to me.
You seem conflicted into “acting your age” without getting “lost”. That is the wise woman on you talking, listen to Christina, she is up to something.
{Hugs}
June 19th, 2009 at 01:54 pm 1245419661
It took several years to accept that her parents were good and bad to her, and that she takes some of them with her everywhere she goes. But she's slowly becoming her own person (I mean, it's a slow, lifelong process for most of us anyway) and able to accept her parents in doses that she gets to control (that makes all the difference).
It's so natural to feel this way. You're not losing yourself, you're just going into a cocoon. Sometimes I have what I call "fallow" periods in my life where I feel empty, unproductive and slightly depressed. I usually come out of those with a burst of creativity, confidence and optimism. Yeah, the next fallow period is inevitable, but now when I'm in them I stay calm, look around me and wait for the feeling to subside.
June 19th, 2009 at 04:35 pm 1245429335
Here's an idea! Do you love the environment? Join Sierra Club! There are tons and tons of things to do that cost nothing with them. Just go to a few day hikes to start. Try at least 3 things, because they have a huge number of different activities, all the people are different!! If you find a cause you want to get more involved with, then you can join as a member and do more.
It will give you a sense of giving and independence too. And get in shape for health!!
Stick around and let us know how you're doing!